You Are Not My God

The following post comes from Meghan, my beautiful wife.  God has given her eyes that see and ears that hear.  I hope that you will see more clearly as a result of this post.

…..

I recently woke up to the disturbing reality of my heart.  My “waking up” has come about in a few different ways, but one of them was startlingly clear.  I was sitting with Isaac (3) and Lily (2), reading stories to them, the way that we do every night.  Around christmas this last year, we found a book called, Winter on the Farm.  It’s a cozy little story about a family that lives on a farm in the New York countryside circa 1800.  Even though it’s not winter anymore, I still always love reading that little book.  I think that there is something about the simplicity of life in that era that draws me in.  So, whenever I get to choose the book for the night, I often choose Winter on the Farm.

This is the story that I was reading to the kids the other night.  The story centers on the youngest child in the family named Almanzo.  We watch as Almanzo goes out to the barn with his father and older brother to milk the cows and clean up the barn.  When he comes inside, he is the last to wash his face in the wash basin.  When it is time for dinner, he is the last to be served.  When it is time to sit around the fire at night, he follows and does what the rest of the family wants to do.  Sounds like a nice simple story.  And for the first 20 times that I read it, nothing stood out to me.  But then the other night, this story spoke to me.  It spoke to the unbalance that has started to exist in our home and in my heart.

I have heard the sentiment that you should never worship your children or make them your God.  I guess that I just thought I was immune.  It is something that I have prayed since I was pregnant, “God, please help me never to love these children more than I love you.”  And, because “super-mom” isn’t really part of my identity, I just didn’t think that worshipping or fearing my kids was “my” struggle.  But, I was wrong.  As I sat there a few weeks ago reading the story of Almanzo, something became immediately clear to me: my heart, my daily rhythm, my marriage, my peace, my worth, my identity, my home, my emotions, were all essentially bowing down before my 2 and 3 year old children.  And in that moment of clarity I felt both release/freedom, and confusion of how it ever could have gotten this way.

Let me shed some light on what I am trying to explain here.  It wasn’t that I was knowingly worshipping my children.  It wasn’t that I didn’t try to discipline them.  It wasn’t that just gave them everything that they wanted.  It was something much deeper than that, much harder to identify, and much more secretly destructive.  Somewhere along the way I had started believing that I was OK if I knew that my children were OK.  When they were upset, disobedient, disrespectful, chaotic, needy, whiny, rude, etc, then I could not be OK.  I could not be at peace.  I could not be free.  I could not rejoice.  And so without realizing it, I was doing absolutely everything in my power to avoid a situation where they would be upset, disobedient, disrespectful, chaotic, needy, whiny, rude, etc.

Of course it is impossible to live with two small children for any length of time without them being at least one or more of those things.  And so it felt that I was at war with my own life.  The more that I tried to avoid those emotionally draining encounters with my children, the more I was giving into them, and then the more they were acting out.  It was a vicious cycle and we were all losing.  I was spending way too much time feeling angry, confused, and crying out to God, WHERE ARE YOU???  I knew that something was wrong, I just didn’t know what it was, or how to fix it.

As I have been thinking through this for the last few weeks a few things have become clear to me.

1. We live in a culture that condones, promotes, and inundates us with the idea that it is right, good, and appropriate to worship our children.  We are so indoctrinated by our culture that it is often hard to see how out of balance our child rearing can be.  It literally took me reading a book about a farm family in the 1800s to see that something was wrong in our house.  The world around me says, sacrifice anything and everything for your children.  They should always come first.  They should be the first to get their food at the table.  What they have to say or what game they want to play should dictate what happens around the table.  If they have a need, no matter how trial, it should be met, not matter the cost.  Often times that cost can be as great as the marriage.  In our country it is not uncommon for both husband and wife to turn so intently toward their children that by the time the children move out of the house there is no relationship left between husband and wife.  It is not easy, or comfortable, to move against the grain of our culture in childrearing, but it is necessary and crucial for healthy functioning marriages, families, and children.
2. It is ultimately to the demise of my children that I allow my worshipping of them to continue.  For my children to grow up in an environment where they always come first, where their opinion matters the most, where every need is met, and where their successes and failures are the source of my emotional stability, is to severely handicap them for the rest of their lives.  I think that we are starting to see some of the results of this cultural model play out in today’s youth.  They are the most discontent, bored, self-focused, entitled, and isolated generation we have ever seen.
3. It makes sense to me why this happens.  As I think about what my life looks like day to day, hour to hour, I understand how it got this way.  When I started having kids, I no longer went outside the house to work, my time with other adults was intensely diminished, my time for pretty much anything other than child-care was intensely diminished.  If you functionally look at what my life is focused on, it is clearly my children.  Not to mention the feeling that goes through my body every time I look at their precious faces or each time that I hear them speak to a new thought or emotion or when I hear their infections laughter coming from the next room.  They are extremely lovely little beings, and I spend just about all my time caring for them.  It is a natural conclusion that I would end up wrapping my heart, my life, and identity around them.
4. In order to be freed, it is not enough just to know that there is a problem.  I can look at this issue in my life, and I admit that it is wrong, and I can even really really want to change, but that is not enough to move me out of the pattern of child worshipping that I have created.  The only way that I can be freed is to be freed to a greater love, a greater worth, a greater identity.  The only way that I can live in balance and in harmony worshipping only what deserves to be worshipped, is for my eyes to be opened to the beauty that is so much more beautiful than my children.  It is for my senses to be awakened to the only real, true, lasting, living, dynamic, creative, and holy God.  This is the beauty of the gospel.

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”  Galatians 5:1

“Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods.  But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?”  Galatians 4:8-9

“For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.  We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.”  2 Corinthians 4:6-10

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:  ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the river, they shall no overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Hold One of Israel, your Savior…’I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior.  I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you; and you are my witnesses,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I am God.’”  Isaiah 43:1-3, 10-12